Originally published last year on my myspace blog, so you probably didn't read it yet.
Observations made at the Lloyd Center Mall, 12/16/06
Current mood: savage
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping
Some observations from the Lloyd Center Mall:
1. It is okay to take your kids into the bathroom with you. However, I did not know that that rule has been expanded to include taking your children into the stall while you sit down for an extended dump session, as exhibited by the guy in the last stall of the bathrooms by the Mail Box and his daughter in the rather cute pink, fuzzy jumper sitting on the tile floor of said bathroom stall. I did not know that you could do this. The rearing of children seems a lot less complicated and a lot more convenient.
2. I did not know that plus-sized women were so fond of the colors red, black and purple. Nor did I know that they wore so much trashy lingerie. Is this a new development in plus-sized fashions? Do full-figured ladies give it up more or is this the new leisure wear for the house-bound?
3. There were no women (of any size) in the plus-size store.
4. You can buy a set of Metallica shot glasses and a "crunk" goblet at the same store. You can also get a pimp stick with a die-cast metal dragon's head on the handle at that store. Would you like a Slipknot or Guns 'n' Roses Christmas ornament for your tree? Do people who have Christmas trees want Slipknot Christmas ornaments? Do people who want Slipknot Christmas ornaments bother to have Christmas trees? Maybe I'm stereotyping here.
5. There are three pages of new Mac Dre images that they can put on a t-shirt, hat or Converse All-Star for you at the t-shirt kiosk. Almost as many as Tupac has.
This is merely an observation. If you have anything to add to this brief anthropological excercise, feel free.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
I, Car-mo
I'm sure that everyone is dying to hear about my life as a driver. It's sad, really, seeing all of you ride around town on bikes, while stuck in a car. Of course, riding in the style and comfort of a Ford Aerostar has its merits. The van is kinda like my bike, it's old and dirty, but it gets the job done. It has a CD player, though, and NPR, so at least there's that. You have to turn it on by grounding the wire to the battery. Charm? Style? Call it what you will, but I got car sounds.
On the bright side, I have the newest, fanciest Nextel in town. Yours is not as fancy as mine. It just isn't.
Some driving favorites:
McCoy Tyner "Expansions." Start your day off with this CD and you'll be okay. This guy was Coltrane's piano player in his prime. "I got two sealed copies of Expansions/ I'm Like Tom Wu, with yachts and mansions."
Funkadelic "Maggot Brain." The title track is the greatest/saddest guitar jam EVER. I don't have enough room to really get into how many ways this record kicks your ass. "I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe, but I was not offended. For I knew that I had to rise above it all--or drown in my own shit." Words to live by in traffic.
Ornette Coleman "Science Fiction." Out there "free jazz" from the master. The entire session comes on this re-issue. More melodic and cool than, say, Miles' wild '70s stuff that tries too hard. Ornette was getting weirder than shit, but still wore a suit. Y'know? This is the musical conversation that jazzbos speak of. Beats talk radio any (and every)day.
ZZ Top "Tres Hombres." There was life before "Eliminator," you know. It was a good life, too, as this record will attest. "Waitin' For The Bus/Jesus Just Left Chicago" is as good as it gets for the end of the day. If you time it right, the tightly syncopated groove helps you crawl through traffic on the freeway or downtown. If you do it right, you'll get on the bridge right when the restrained swagger of "Waitin' For the Bus" exhales and the heartbeat rhythm section pumps out "Jesus Just Left Chicago" to take you home. Once again, I could go on...
The Dirtbombs "Dangerous Magical Noise." Scratchy, raw garage soul from Motown (the city, not the label). Mick Collins and company played a crucial role in a hot job to Hillsboro yesterday. I'm new, so if someone's going to have to get stuck on the freeway, it might as well be me. I didn't give a shit, I had the Dirtbombs.
The minutemen "What Makes A Man Start Fires?" This one may give way to "Double Nickels On The Dime," but doesn't it always? Like "Science Fiction," it's like a musical conversation, but with a lyrical conversation over it. This is just my favorite shit ever. It never goes out of style because it was never in style. Maybe Mike Watt got lots of his ideas from all the time he spent driving his van on all of those tours?
If I seem smarter, then that is why.
My first day of training was spent in a tiny car with a guy whose first question to me was "Do you mind if I smoke?"
The second thing that he said to me was "If you get tired of Jimmy Buffett, let me know."
We then drove around for the next five-and-a-half hours like this. At 1:30 in the afternoon, he put on the radio. "Afternoon Zoo"-type shit. The cloud of smoke lasted all day.
Day two was similar, except we listened to Korn and Marilyn Manson. And I drove a little.
Day three I was on my own, in the dirty white van. It was alright until the end, when I got lost in Jantzen Beach and ended up going back to the 'Couv on accident. before locating a houseboat off of Marine Drive. Much heartache and soul-searching. Got the radio to work, but no CDs. Channel surfed for a lot of the day.
Things heard on the radio:
"We can't hear your costume."
"Let's do some giggles."
On the bright side, I have the newest, fanciest Nextel in town. Yours is not as fancy as mine. It just isn't.
Some driving favorites:
McCoy Tyner "Expansions." Start your day off with this CD and you'll be okay. This guy was Coltrane's piano player in his prime. "I got two sealed copies of Expansions/ I'm Like Tom Wu, with yachts and mansions."
Funkadelic "Maggot Brain." The title track is the greatest/saddest guitar jam EVER. I don't have enough room to really get into how many ways this record kicks your ass. "I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe, but I was not offended. For I knew that I had to rise above it all--or drown in my own shit." Words to live by in traffic.
Ornette Coleman "Science Fiction." Out there "free jazz" from the master. The entire session comes on this re-issue. More melodic and cool than, say, Miles' wild '70s stuff that tries too hard. Ornette was getting weirder than shit, but still wore a suit. Y'know? This is the musical conversation that jazzbos speak of. Beats talk radio any (and every)day.
ZZ Top "Tres Hombres." There was life before "Eliminator," you know. It was a good life, too, as this record will attest. "Waitin' For The Bus/Jesus Just Left Chicago" is as good as it gets for the end of the day. If you time it right, the tightly syncopated groove helps you crawl through traffic on the freeway or downtown. If you do it right, you'll get on the bridge right when the restrained swagger of "Waitin' For the Bus" exhales and the heartbeat rhythm section pumps out "Jesus Just Left Chicago" to take you home. Once again, I could go on...
The Dirtbombs "Dangerous Magical Noise." Scratchy, raw garage soul from Motown (the city, not the label). Mick Collins and company played a crucial role in a hot job to Hillsboro yesterday. I'm new, so if someone's going to have to get stuck on the freeway, it might as well be me. I didn't give a shit, I had the Dirtbombs.
The minutemen "What Makes A Man Start Fires?" This one may give way to "Double Nickels On The Dime," but doesn't it always? Like "Science Fiction," it's like a musical conversation, but with a lyrical conversation over it. This is just my favorite shit ever. It never goes out of style because it was never in style. Maybe Mike Watt got lots of his ideas from all the time he spent driving his van on all of those tours?
If I seem smarter, then that is why.
My first day of training was spent in a tiny car with a guy whose first question to me was "Do you mind if I smoke?"
The second thing that he said to me was "If you get tired of Jimmy Buffett, let me know."
We then drove around for the next five-and-a-half hours like this. At 1:30 in the afternoon, he put on the radio. "Afternoon Zoo"-type shit. The cloud of smoke lasted all day.
Day two was similar, except we listened to Korn and Marilyn Manson. And I drove a little.
Day three I was on my own, in the dirty white van. It was alright until the end, when I got lost in Jantzen Beach and ended up going back to the 'Couv on accident. before locating a houseboat off of Marine Drive. Much heartache and soul-searching. Got the radio to work, but no CDs. Channel surfed for a lot of the day.
Things heard on the radio:
"We can't hear your costume."
"Let's do some giggles."
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